Tag: Life journey

Life

Thank ****, 2021 is Finally Over.

Grace M - Writer

I’m not going to sugarcoat it, the past year has been a total and utter shit show. On a personal level, 2021 started off with a mental breakdown, resulting in almost two months off work. Pete’s dad passed away in March after a long battle with blood cancer that went full blown leukaemia. In April, my cat needed emergency vet treatment, and Pete was struggling with burnout. In June I was struggling with high stress levels, ending up in hospital with gastritis. In July, we both contracted COVID, my case was quite mild so I was able to still look after Pete who was laid up for almost a month. We’re both coping now with the long term fatigue that COVID leaves behind. Ok one minute, the next – utterly exhausted. Simple things such as changing the bed linen can wipe me out.

It seemed like a crazy notion when, in July, I applied for a new role at work. It was a step up, more money, more responsibility, but working internally instead of with external clients. I’d been recommended for the role, and took the plunge. Pete was worried I’d be taking on more stress, but I had to at least try, otherwise I’d never know. Thankfully, the new role is working out amazing, less stress, more time to manage workload, a great boss, and a fantastic team.

It was the same with my OU degree course. I felt like I’d missed out on the opportunity when I was younger, and really wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I scored 75% on my very first assignment, which I’m really happy with. The course isn’t easy, and it really forces me to stretch my thinking, but I’m so thankful for all that I’ve learned so far.

So, the last couple of months had more positive things happening, but we were both so jaded that by the time it came to preparing for Christmas, it was a real struggle. Christmas spirit was definitely lacking, decorations didn’t go up until about a week before, present buying was uninspired (thank goodness for Not On The High Street!), even Christmas cards were sent out as an afterthought. We had an ok day on the 25th, made a nice dinner, had a few drinks, and opened our presents.

New Year has also been a total non-event. I haven’t celebrated NYE in years, it’s too much hassle. Bouncers on pub doors, entry fees to get in, nowhere to sit, tripled prices. Ugh. This year, we watched Cobra Kai on Netflix, looked at our phones when they hit midnight, said “thank fuck for that”, and went to bed.

I’ve said in previous years that I’m not really one to make resolutions as most people never keep them. Instead, I am going to make the effort to get myself back on track physically, mentally and spiritually. Next year, I hit the big 50, and by that time I want to be in much better place.

I realise this is all a bit doom and gloom, and it’s important to find the positives in a negative situation, but when you’re hit with ever higher mountains to climb, it all gets a bit tiring. However, I am nothing if not resilient, I have been burned to ash, and still I rise.

Writing

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Grace M - Writer

As I’ve discovered this year, the ups and downs of life are unpredictable. 2021 has been tough, a much harder and challenging year for me than 2020. From my mental breakdown in January, losing my partner’s father in March, to contracting COVID in summer, ending up in hospital with gastritis, and working under increased stress and pressure in the day job, I am amazed that no one’s found me rocking in a corner, a glazed expression on my face!

One thing I have learned from all this is to stop feeling guilty about not meeting my writing deadlines and goals. My writing has been terribly neglected this year, but it’s not what pays the bills, or keeps a roof over my head. It’s an ambition I am trying to fulfill, and has had to take a back seat every so often. When I achieve the luxury of calling writing my day job, it will take absolute priority, but until then I will get to it as and when I can.

That being said, I think about it ALL THE TIME!

My editor is getting back to me in the next few days with notes and edits on my revised opening chapters for Horizon Skies. I don’t know what to expect, but she knows her stuff, and I trust her judgment. If further changes are required, this is something I will have to give careful consideration to.

Sanctuary of Stone needs a rewrite. It’s not an overtly complex story, but it’s directionless. I know what the story is about, how it starts, and how it ends. There’s good stuff in what I’ve written so far, but I’ve come to the conclusion that this is one story I really should have planned out properly.

Daughter of Tomorrow just needs to be picked up again. I love what I’ve written so far, I know exactly where the story is going, and I know how it ends. I do need to do some research into the medical and scientific aspect, but this element won’t be required until the last few chapters. In terms of researching pandemics, well, living through one already provides a glimpse into how society reacts and behaves. From idiots fighting over toilet rolls to the conspiracy, anti-vax nut jobs who’d rather believe what a ten minute Google search tells them, instead of following the advice of ACTUAL scientists, doctors and nurses working in the field.

My studies. In an earlier post, I was excited to start on a Creative Writing course through Open Study College. Ok, I started it, but I lost interest. Without the interaction of working with a tutor, or bouncing ideas around with other students, I was unable to keep up the momentum. I can always go back to it, as I have the study materials, but ultimately, it isn’t the course for me.

Instead, I signed up to do an English Literature and Creative Writing degree with the Open University! Six years part time, and actual classes and forums (online) I can attend with lecturers and other students. So far, I absolutely love it. I’ve submitted my first assignment, taken part in a couple of forums and a day school. As the course is designed to be interactive, I feel more encouraged, plus the fact that I can potentially finish with a BA Hons to my name.

On the job front, an opportunity came up to move to a completely different role. I was reluctant to apply at first as I didn’t want to lose working with certain people, but in the end, I decided to go for it with a “If I get it, great; if I don’t, that’s fine too,” mentality. I submitted my application on the final day after chatting with a few people about it, and it turns out my name had come up as a recommendation. I was successful, and started my new role on the 1st November, and I can already tell it was the right thing to do.

With these changes, I also need to focus on my physical health, which I’ve also been neglectful of. I’ve put on more weight, have back and shoulder issues connected to stress, and don’t feel great. Waking up with aches and pains, not being able to fit comfortably into my clothes (I REFUSE to go a size up!), feeling ugly, and hating myself for letting things get this bad, it’s time I start looking after myself better. Obviously, post-COVID fatigue hasn’t helped, and I need to factor that in, but it’s also not an excuse.

Hopefully, these positive changes are a sign of things to come, but I remain cautiously optimistic…

Life, Mental Health, Writing

2021 So Far, So…

Grace M - Writer

If 2020 was the annus horribilis, then 2021 is shaping up to be the annus phaulia (courtesy of Google translate, forgive any etymological oversight).

If you’ve kept up with my blog, you’ll remember back in January, I had a breakdown, resulting in me taking almost two months off work, popping the happy pills, and signing up to an online CBT course.

I returned to work full time a few weeks ago, the pills seem to be working their magic, and the CBT course is proving to be very useful. There was, it turned out, light at the end of the tunnel after all. I am in a much happier place, and feeling a lot better. I must mention the fantastic care I’ve received from the NHS’ Mental Health services (severely underfunded and understaffed). If it wasn’t for having access to the service, I’d be in a straitjacket . We in the U.K. have a responsibility to fight tooth and nail for our wonderful NHS.

I digress…

My writing mojo made a reappearance! After months of languishing in the doldrums, my half hearted attempts at editing Horizon Skies almost put paid to me ever getting the damn thing back out there. During the last few weeks of my sick leave, I not only started editing properly again, but came up with some new ideas for the novel. I have worked out more backstory for book two, added in some interludes, put more detail in around the magic system, and tightened up elements of the plot. I’m really happy with the latest progress, and my aim now is to send the second round of queries out in the first week of May.

On a sorrowful note, my boyfriend lost his father to leukaemia on the 18th March. Pete’s dad fought a long, hard battle with the disease, and never truly let on to us the extent to which he was suffering. He was 79 when he died, which is a great age, but there is still a sense that he was robbed of a full life. He was robust, active, and always cheerful; were it not for the illness, I believe he would have had another good 10 years in him.

Grief is a strange emotion, and we all process it in different ways. With the difficulty of the last few weeks behind us, we can now start to move on, and work on healing. I’m enthusiastic about my writing, and have tried to do as much as I can so I can put the final draft of Horizon Skies together.

I’ve also given Instagram a second chance. I could never get on with it before; too many ads, spam messages from profiles I wasn’t interested in, and the inability to share posts a lá Twitter. However Twitter has become incredibly toxic, and I’m tired of seeing so many negative trends and events. I’ve discovered with Instagram, that I can avoid all that as my account is geared purely towards my passion for books. It is quite difficult to gain followers though, and takes a bit more work (hashtag the hell out of every post!), but quality over quantity is more important.

Watch this space!

Life, Mental Health

Find A Happy Place

Grace M - Writer

It’s something of a trite saying, but if this past week has taught me anything, it’s the importance of making space in my head for a happy place. A place I can retreat to that’s all mine, contains the things I love, makes me feel safe, happy and content.

I have gone some way to making a happy place in my own home. Working from home during the pandemic has meant my home office now has to cater for the day job, however I’ve made it a nice, comfortable space with an armchair, beanbag, TV, DVD player, and of course my collection of books. If it weren’t for the fact that it’s the coldest room in the house, I’d probably use it a lot more!

Today, I did a very simple thing with my space; I added a new set of shelves for all my writing and course materials. It wasn’t too expensive, simple to build, and once I’d arranged everything just so, my spirits felt immediately lifted. I absolutely love it. It also means I’ve managed to free up an entire shelf for my growing book collection; I’ve almost reached the point where I will need to buy yet another bookcase.

But what about a happy headspace?

This one is simple: a house overlooking a beautiful bay somewhere along the Devon coast, where my study has a gorgeous window seat with views to the ocean. Where I can sit and watch a storm rolling in from the horizon, and the undulating hills of the countryside stand out stark green against charcoal grey skies. Or bask in the warm sun, windows open, breathing in fresh sea air whilst reading or writing.

Living landlocked as I am, in a small 2-bed semi, I’m a way off achieving this sort of environment for real. But whilst it exists in my head, I can always imagine myself there, and make it one of my life’s goals. Studies have shown that people living near the coast are less likely to develop depression and anxiety, than their landlubber counterparts. (Source Live by the Sea) My other half, who spent some time living in Exeter loved living on the coast, and is determined that one day it will be our reality. I’m from the coast myself, but Southampton is an industrial port city, the best beaches still require a car journey of about half an hour.

Weird how I never really enjoyed going to the beach, but the idea of living near the ocean is such an appealing one.

I’m now halfway through my sick leave from work, and whilst the depression is still very much there, I have been a little less tearful. The anxiety is omnipresent, today has been a real day of butterflies in the tummy, and having to take lots of deep breaths to calm my racing heart, but I’ve kept myself busy. I have a number of self-help books (I’ve NEVER gone the self-help route) which I am reading to help me prepare for the hard work ahead, and I’m at the point now where I’m wanting and needing to make the changes necessary to become a happier, better adjusted person.

If you don’t have a happy place (real or imagined), and are struggling like I am, I recommend giving it a go. Do you have a nook in your home that can be transformed into a space that’s yours, and yours alone? Could your work space do with a bit of sprucing up, maybe add some personal touches? If you don’t have the space or resources, take a few moments to picture a happy place in your mind. Once you have it fixed, write it down, or draw/paint it (I’d draw mine if I could, but I’m terrible at art). Whenever you feel the need, go to your happy place, and take all the time you need.

Life

What Is Happiness?

Grace M - Writer

The Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of “happiness”: “The state of being happy.”

Seems a bit of a lame definition. Let’s try happy instead:  “Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.” Much better.

However, it’s possible for someone to express happiness when they feel anything but. Someone suffering crippling depression or anxiety can still laugh at a joke or sitcom whilst on the inside, they are crumbling.

I seem to exist in a perpetuate state of melancholy. No matter how much I can laugh at things, the deep rooted sadness within me is always there, ready to pop up and remind me that what I’m feeling isn’t true happiness. I’m simply able to express amusement at certain times.

I am definitely not happy though.

Sometimes, I feel geared up ready to go, and I spend productive time on my writing. Whether it’s editing and revising Horizon Skies or trying to get past the block with Sanctuary of Stone or exploring new ideas, those are the times I feel a modicum of something approaching joy. I’ve always retreated into a fantasy world to escape reality. It’s a defence mechanism, something I’ve been rather adept at since I was a child. My books have always been my sanctuary, through the stories told, I am transported to other worlds, other realities. If I didn’t have such a love for reading, I don’t know what sort of state my mental health would be in now.

I feel the weight of the world, heavy on my shoulders. Veganism has done so much for me, but I have to close myself off to the realities of WHY I became vegan in the first place. This doesn’t mean I stop fighting for animals, I never will. I just don’t need to be exposed to farm footage, lab footage or any kind of media depicting the abuse, torture and murder of any animal. ALL animals are innocent, and undeserving of cruelty. You may love your cat or dog, but how are they different to a cow or a pig?

I’ve had a great idea for a story, which I am now working on. I’m up to eight chapters already, and I’ve only been working on it for the past few weeks. This is unprecedented where I’m concerned! The genre has been done to death (post-apocalyptic, zombie invasion), but I’m hoping I’ll be able to lend a new voice to it. There’s no point having an idea in your head and not doing anything with it. 

Maybe this whole happiness concept is what holds me back sometimes. Maybe I don’t feel capable of finishing my work because I’m scared of the response I’ll get. When I first sent out to agents, I submitted without the weight of expectation, I knew it was highly unlikely I’d get picked up straight away, but I didn’t let it put me off. I received some lovely feedback which was definitely more than I could have hoped for. I’ve kept those e-mails as they’ll be the agents I approach on the second round.

Maybe I’m not deserving of happiness? Maybe I came into this existence to experience  the desire for it instead?

I don’t know. What I do know is that when I am melancholy, I know who I am. It’s like my natural state, and quite possibly, true happiness would be a strange experience.

 

Life

New Year’s Resolutions…..yeah, right..

Grace M - Writer

Sorry, I just don’t believe in making promises to myself for a New Year that I will probably fail within the first few weeks. I believe that you should maintain your goals for as long as it takes to achieve them, whether that be five months or five years.

Horizon Skies took me five years to complete. That was because I had to fit it in around my very busy day job, three house moves, amdram and the day-to-day business of life. If I had stuck to every New Year’s Resolution in that five years I might have finished the book sooner and got it out quicker but I don’t currently have the luxury of being able to call writing my day job. That is something I am steadily working towards and each year does bring me a little closer.

My boyfriend is now reading my completed manuscript, he’s only two chapters in but has already said that it comes across as a compelling story so the hook has worked; the prologue and the first chapter have got him interested in reading more and that is only a good thing.

I have already plotted the sequel and another standalone book which I have made a start on so 2018 should represent exciting times for me.

There are other goals though that I do think deserve better attention than I’ve been inclined to provide in the past.

Eat healthy, exercise more and less alcohol are achievable. I have massively indulged myself over the last couple of weeks and one thing I have noticed as I head to my mid-40s is that aches and pains are a little more frequent, the body a little stiffer in the mornings. Not good.

I still feel very young in my mind and spirit but if I don’t take care of the vessel that contains my very being I will end up a withered old lady. So, it’s back to the Yoga and the Walk At Home programme which I really enjoyed.

I am quite lazy by nature, it takes a lot for me to get motivated and earlier in 2017 I was experiencing a weird heart condition which was diagnosed as an ectopic heartbeat. My doctor said it was a wake up call to manage my stress better and not to overdo the exercise (I was working out every single day) so I went the other way and stopped altogether. My heart is doing better, I don’t feel the skipped beat anymore but I do still experience palpitations, these go back to the stress I was under at my previous job and they haven’t gone away. It’s another reason why I want to get out of the rat race and make a living as a writer. Work under my own steam, doing something I truly love and enjoy.

Completing Horizon Skies was all the motivation I needed to write more. When I wrote the final words, I knew then that I could do it, write a book, see it through to the end and if I can write one book then, I can surely write another.

The over indulgence of Christmas and New Year has left my body feeling tender and quite battered. The alcohol has given me some very weird and vivid dreams, the rich food made me sluggish and heavy. That’s the motivation I need to take better care of myself (my heart being the most important aspect). So, I’m looking forward to going on a nice little walk, getting some fresh air into my lungs (as fresh as it can be living near the A1!) and just getting myself moving.

So, whatever it is that motivates you, make that your goal, not a resolution. Most people fail at their resolutions before the end of January (new diet, stopping smoking etc.) so just keep your goal in mind and whether you achieve it this or next year doesn’t matter. The journey matters more than the destination.